Jeremy: The Redskins are 3-1 and inexplicably sitting atop the standings of the tough NFC East. Remember all those Mark Brunell jokes? Well, he’s getting it done, the defense is solid and everything is wonderful in the beltway.

The Chiefs, on the other hands, are 2-2, having lost their last two games. The ‘Skins are getting 5.5 points. Hmmm….

Well, the Chiefs are coming off a bye week — that my fantasy team, with Trent Green, Priest Holmes and Larry Johnson, barely survived, thanks to a timely one-week rental of Najeh Davenport and his two touchdowns — and they’re at home. I still think their offense is prime to explode, and even though the Redskins have one of the better defenses in the league, playing at Arrowhead is a tough thing to do. When it doubt, take the team coming off the bye*

*Completely unsubstantiated

Pick: Chiefs

Jeff: A generic band of Native Americans versus a collection of top-ranking Native Americans? How is this fair? It’s like playing R.B.I. Baseball and taking Houston against the American League All-stars. The Chiefs should have this sewn up before the battle even starts.

But they won’t.

Ever heard the phrase, “too many Chiefs, not enough Indians?” Every Chief is going to think he is THE Chief. During their pregame warm-ups, they’ll start playfully bickering amongst each other, boasting about how awesome their tribes and Squaws are and how the other Chiefs’ tribes and Squaws can’t compare. It will be a lot like a rap battle, only with more feathers.

This manly joshing will continue until one Chief steps over the line and goes too far with one of his jibes. When they get into a shouting match, one of the Redskins will casually walk up behind one of the chiefs and fucking scalp him. This will spark a melee and since the Chiefs have absolutely no unity at this point, the savage Redskins will band together and prevail.

Pick: Redskins

Jeremy: Interesting game. The Dolphins were supposed to be one of the worst teams in the league. Turns out coaching matters in the NFL? Who knew? (Apparently not the Lions, Rams, Raiders, Saints, Ravens and Jets, but whatever). Anyway, Nick Saban has the Dolphins playing pretty well. Oh, and in case you hadn’t heard, Ricky Williams is back. No, no, not the one who starred at Texas Tech, the other one. Anyway, he’s back. Also, the Bucs are without their best running back and their top WR. Lastly, there is no fucking city of Tampa Bay. It’s the city of Tampa. You can’t name a fucking football team after a city that doesn’t exist. That should be enough for anyone.

Pick: Dolphins

Jeff: Picture this: A rugged Buccaneer is perched on the bow of his ship. He’s just robbed a passing ship for a few dozen chests full of finest in gold and some hot wenches who seem like the kind of ladies who will still put out after he makes a lame “plundering the booty” joke. He’s feeling pretty great until he looks down into the water, sees a Dolphin, then proceeds to scream and cry like a Girl Scout.

Which part of this story doesn’t match? Buccaneers don’t care about Dolphins and they certainly aren’t scared of Dolphins. They stab Dolphins, then eat Dolphins. Then they go see what those wenches are up to.

Pick: Buccaneers

Jeremy: I like the Colts this year, although I don’t think I’ve disliked an NFL player as much as I hate Peyton Manning since Steve Young was playing. Whatever. The point is, I think the Colts are for real, and I think they’ll win this came. The problem is the line. I figure they’ll take it by 10. Mike Martz or no Mike Martz, this is still the Rams offense we’re talking about, and I feel like they can still put up points indoors (since both teams play in domes). The Colts win, but by 9 points, not 14.

Pick: Rams

Jeff: In the preceding weeks, we’ve determined that Rams are morons and Colts are majestic. Well, Colts don’t look so majestic when they’re getting gored by a dumbass Ram’s horns.

The Colts will enter the stadium and gallop around the ring, their luxurious manes glistening in the sun. The fans, awed by their beauty, applaud, oohing and aahing. One of the Rams hanging out on the sidelines with other Rams says, “can you believe these fucking guys?” Then, without warning, he charges one of the unsuspecting Colts, plowing into its side, cracking ribs and leaving what looks like a gunshot wound in the spot where the tip of the Ram’s horn pierced the skin.

The other Colts stop their prancing. The crowd falls silent. The Ram snorts, trots back to the side and says, “Fucking unbelievable, right? Damned pansies.”

Oh, I forgot to mention these Rams can talk.

Pick: Rams

Jeremy: This is a tough game to call. Could this be the week the wheels fall off of the Patriots dynasty? The Broncos running game is humming along in typical fashion, churning out 100 yard rushers like CSI churns out spin-offs. Can the banged-up Pats defense handle the fifth-string waterboy, or whoever the Broncos line up at tailback? Can the country handle CSI: Cleveland, where a bunch of fat detectives with odd-looking beards try to solve mysteries like “where did that smell come from” and “why the fuck do people still live here”?

I honestly don’t know. It’s tough to pick against the champs. My gut tells me that this might be too tough a test for the Pats. Besides, the Broncos used to be my favorite team (back before they started winning Super Bowls). Aw, fuck it. Take the champs.

Pick: Patriots

Jeff: Okay, we have these guys:

versus these guys:

Uh, doy.

Pick: Broncos