Jeremy: Eli Manning is god. Apparently, he’s some combination of Joe Montana, Brett Favre, Eric Clapton and Bill Paxton from Navy Seals. Or, you know, he’s a second year QB with some skills. Either way.

Still, I don’t see why the Giants can’t win by a field goal at home. I hate to keep harping on this point, especially since all the evidence (like their record) screams to the contrary, but…THE REDSKINS AREN’T ANY GOOD.

Pick: Giants

Jeff: If the Redskins couldn’t keep the white man from stealing their land, they probably won’t have much luck against a bunch of building-sized dudes either. I mean, have you seen the size of The Giants’ feet? One of them could stumble toward the natives’ battle staging area and accidentally wipe out several entire villages of Redskins faster than a boatload of smallpox-infected blankets.

This isn’t even a remotely fair fight. The Redskins should forfeit and spend their time in their maize fields building one of those awesome corn mazes. Who doesn’t like those?

Pick: Giants

Jeremy: I will not take rookie QBs on the road. I will not take rookie QBs on the road. I will not take rookie QBs on the road. I will not take rookie QBs on the road.

Chris Simms versus Ken Dorsey? Now, perhaps the NFL isn’t quite the Big East, and the Miami team that Dorsey helmed to two (well, technically one, but we all know that pass-interference call was a joke) national titles would beat the 49ers by about 20, but I think he’s actually the better QB in this one. Or, even if he’s not, I think the 49ers can cover 11 at home. Against a rookie QB.

Pick: 49ers

Jeff: Recent weather left the waters of the Pacific choppy and difficult to navigate. Though they tried bravely to stay afloat, Mother Nature tossed the Buccaneers’ ship onto the rocky shores of the West Coast, leaving them shipwrecked and stranded. With their boat beyond repair, several of the Buccaneers began abusing alcohol. Desperate times led one Buccaneer in particular to trade his now tarnished hook-hand for a handle of Winner’s Cup vodka. These were rough times for our eyepatched friends.

Then, out of nowhere, one of the Buccaneers got word of prospectors, 49ers, pulling gold out of the hills. Inspired, they banded together to do some land piratin’.

Though the 49ers are gritty and mean from monthlong stretches in the mines without the company of women, they’ll be nearly defenseless when the Buccaneers descend on them, surprising them, and knocking them over for all their shiny gold.

Sure, a couple of the 49ers might whack a Bucs or two across their heads with a gold pan, but they’ll be no match for the Bucs’ swords.

After the Bucs take over the California gold industry, they’ll easily have enough money to repair their boat and get back to sea, but nearly all of them will become landlubbers, trading their staterooms for offices and overpriced San Francisco townhouses. The alcoholism will stick, though.

Pick: Buccaneers

Jeremy: Jeff Garcia is back to helm the supposedly potent Lion offense. Yeah. Awesome. It’s not like my fantasy team is barely treading water because I hitched to the Kevin Jones wagon. That being said, I refuse to fall in love with a road dog that can win outright, like the Bears. Sure they have a better team. Sure the Lions are in complete disarray and should in no way be favored in this one. But you know what? Fuck off. I’m going to ride that Kevin Jones wave of 65 yards and no scores until I lose in the first round of the playoffs. And I’m picking the Lions.

Pick: Lions

Jeff: How much would you pay to see a Bear and a Lion fight on pay per view? $50? 100? What if there were 22 of each of them? If people paid to see the Lingerie Bowl, certainly they’d pay to see this. Also, it might be the only time in the next 30 years you’ll see the Bears or Lions on TV on Superbowl Sunday, so you know Detroit and Chicago would be amped. I know people who would shell out $30 to see a cockfight on TV. Bears and Lions fighting would be the single biggest event in cable television history.

You’ve got the kings of the jungle versus the kings of the forest coming together for an epic battle. Blood will spray, fur will fly. It will be like one of those propaganda videos PETA airs on public access late at night, except awesome and without a voiceover by Alec Baldwin.

The fight itself will be so spectacular, you won’t care who wins. Still, larger frames and surprising quickness give the Bears an advantage over the Lions. The last animal left among the carnage will be a Bear. Count on it.

Pick: Bears

Jeremy: Excuse me? How, exactly, are the Browns the dogs here? (No pun intended). Has anyone seen the Texans play? No Andre Johnson, no offense. And honestly, I don’t like the cut of David Carr’s jib. He just looks like a creepy dude at a bar. It’s just not working for me. And besides, he went to Fresno State. Who the fuck goes to Fresno voluntarily? Take the Browns.

Pick: Browns

Jeff: Don’t let President Bush’s appointment of Alberto Gonzales as Attorney General fool you: Texans hate Browns. How else do you explain the vigilant protection of the border between Texas and Mexico? Texans hate Browns so much, they gave their border patrol permission to shoot any Browns who attempt to sneak into their state. How ruthless is that?

The Browns would have trouble even making it into Houston to battle the Texans, so they’ll have to turn to their friends Jesse Jackson and the Multicultural pals for help. The Browns, Jackson, Apache Chief, Black Vulcan (a.k.a. Supervolt), Juan Gigante, Penciler, The Negotiator and The French Tickler will band together in the spirit of diversity and racial equality to defeat the Texans on their home turf.

After the fight, the Browns will head to a Tex-Mex restaurant as a symbolic gesture, hoping that one day, like these two styles of food, the Texans and the Browns will one day exist in harmony. They will also suffer from severe indigestion the next day.

Pick: Browns