Jeremy: This is one of those games where I can talk myself into either team. My first impression is to say the Bengals win handily, but apparently the boys from Cincinnati aren’t doing anything handily except getting arrested. But the Panthers have been underachieving all season, and there’s no reason to think they’ll stop now. But lord do I hate 3 point lines on games with two quality teams. What else can you do but take the home team?

Speaking of “homes”, I hope you didn’t take any of your equity out on Brian’s “bonus pick” last week. I don’t know if you noticed, but his garuntee of the Texans winning outright was a little off. If he’s said, you know, “Bet your mortgage that the Texans will cover a twenty-nine point spread!” then he woulda been right. As it stands, losing 34-6 is just a tad short of “winning outright”. Thanks for the tip, Brian.

On the other hand…did you SEE the Duel? Yeah, I thought so.

Pick: Bengals

Brian: Whatever happened to Peety Pablo? Remember when he did that “USA” song to the beat of his “North Carolina” song. It was an atrociously distasteful trainwreck. Seriously download it if you haven’t heard it.

Take the points.

Pick: Panthers

Jeremy: Apparently Brian is on a quest to select the most difficult slate possible. Again, two strong teams, but this time we’ve got a quality home dog (The Falcons) against a team just rounding into form (the Steelers). Who the fuck picks games like this?

Brian does. I forgot. Brian also picks the Texans to “win outright”. Which they almost did. I mean, subtract Terrel Owens’ three scores, and the only lost 16-6. That’s 11 points away from winning outright! That’s close, right? I mean, the line was like Houston (-13) so they woulda covered! That’s impressive!

Whatever. The Steelers were good to me last week. And every time I say (like, EVERY time) “Take the champs” they don’t cover. So I won’t say that.

But anyway…we’ve all heard how Tina got kicked off the Duel by cold-cocking Beth, but what we didn’t know was exactly how bad homegirl looked in a bikini. Tina, baby…work with me here. Sure, my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hon, but they be limits to that shit. Next time get a salad, babe.

Pick: Steelers

Brian: I have terrible Road Rage Syndrome (one could also argue I act like I have Down Syndrome). Adrienne and I often debate who the worst drivers are. We have narrowed it down to two, Mexicans and fat, old, Asian women. Now listen carefully, this gets deep. Asian’s are terrible behind the wheel. This is no longer a stereotype. I’ts fact. Fat people, because they can’t check their blindspots. I’m not sure if this is because they are lazy or if it’s because the rolls in their necks won’t allow it. Old people, since they’ve lost a step or two and refuse to hang it up when they’ve lost anything. Combine all this with being a woman and you are promising trouble on the road. However, Mexicans are worse. Asian’s have insurance.

Take the Steelers, Jerome Bettis reminds me of an old, fat, Asian woman.

Pick: Steelers

Jeremy: Take the freakin’ Eagles. How, exactly, do they not beat the freakin’ Bucs (sans “Booger” MacFarland) by two touchdowns? This seems like a gimme.

Which means perhaps Vegas knows something about this game that I don’t. But I can tell you one thing I DO know: I know the Texans got absolutely OBLITERATED last week. They did, in fact, not win outright. Actually, I think they lost outright. Can you gamble on that?

Speaking of gambling, does Vegas have an over/under line on the number of dudes Jodi handles in the bathroom? I’d set it at three and a half. After all, they’re only there for like 6 weeks and homegirl apparently found Jesus. Of course, “The Duel” is set in Brazil, so perhaps “Jesus” was just the bartender at the local club.

Pick: Eagles

Brian: I drive a Toyota Tacoma. It’s no Island Empire machine, but it sits fairly high off the ground. I tell you this, because earlier this week I saw some dude on the freeway in his sportscar… rubbing one out. I can’t make this stuff up. I saw it all. We then made very awkward eye contact, followed by him getting upset with me. He even gave me the Let’s-Throw-Down-Hands-In-The-Air motion. Lots of things wrong with this scenario, it probably even deserves 10-15 pages of discussion. Instead I offer a compact list:

• I’m not fighting anybody with “Weiner Hand”.
• What, you were running late for work and didn’t have time to do it at home, so you figured you’d squeeze one out on the car ride?
• Was he going to tell his boss he spilled yogurt on his slacks?
• If you must do this, wait till its dark out, tint your windows or get a taller car.
• Don’t get mad if someone catches you and try to make ME feel like I was in the wrong. I was the angry one; I was trying to eat my banana on the way to the gym.

This guy SHOULD have been embarrassed, just like the Eagles SHOULD embarrass the Bucs. When it comes to “shoulds” in gambling, go the other way. Take the rookie, hop in the ‘87 DeVille, grab those 5.5 points and ride to the Player’s Ball.

Pick: Buccaneers

Jeremy: I hate the Seahawks. Mostly because one of my “sleeper” picks this year was ‘Hawks WR Nate Burleson. I figured he’d have a nice season running fly patters in 3-WR sets with Bobby Engram and Darrell Jackson. Well, enter Deion Branch and Burleson hasn’t really done anything this season.

Also, I drafted LaMont Jordan and Randy Moss. So screw fantasy football and screw this game. Take the freakin’ Hawks. They can’t run the ball but so what? Neither could the Texans and Brian picked them to beat the Cowboys and they lost by four touchdowns.

Speaking of lost, what’s up with that chick who lost all her hair? Oh, wait, she got the cancer? Oh. Never mind. That shit’s not funny. What’s funny is Tina in a bikini. Now that shit is funny. Cancer? Not so much.

Pick: Seahawks

Brian: Seattle reminds me of New England a few years ago. Remember when they didn’t run the ball? Brady just threw three yard slants all day. Well, imagine if he did that with five SOLID receivers and was just stalling until his MVP runningback got healthy. The Seahawks are that good now, and are going to be really good when Alexander returns.

They are the team to beat in the NFC, which would be more obvious if anyone cared about West Coast Football. All these jerkoffs at ESPN need to stop wet dreaming about the Bears.

6.5 isn’t enough. I smell a blowout.

Pick: Seahawks