If you know my friend Sam’s new website — you might remember Sam as proprietor of the now defunct SamGreenspan.com — you’ve seen his series on PandaSmash, “Sam’s House of Knowledge”.

Having not heard from him in awhile, I decided to e-mail him asking if he was “going to be around this weekend”. Perhaps I didn’t phrase it like that, but that’s not the point.

The point is, you gotta hand it to us Jews. We’re a funny people.

I got an email here from Jeremy in Chico, California, he wrote me he said, “Dear Sam, I have some friends, and I’m pretty sure some of them are total dickbaskets. How can I be sure?” OK, Jeremy, I’ve got your answer. There are four major signs to look for. One, one of them is named Jeffy. No adult who goes by such a nickname could possibly be worth anything. Two, if most of your friends are female, and you’ve had sex with most of them, they’re not friends. They’re poon on tap. And how can you kick back and watch a ball game or shoot hoops with someone whose vagina you’ve seen? Three, do they make online videos? Online videos are for 15-year-old social outcasts and whores trying to get record deals. Anyone else is just desperate for attention and clearly emotionally void. And fourth, are most of them Jews? They’re just using you to get ahead. OK Jeremy, I hope that helps. To the rest of you, this has been Sam Greenspan with Sam’s House of Knowledge and, remember, I’m here for you.

(I am going to Peej’s thing. Yeah, I’d like to play racquetball beforehand)

Moving on…big update tomorrow. And by “big update” I mean, “if you give a shit about the football picks, you might want to tune in”. Of course, if you don’t give a shit about the football picks, why are you reading this? You freakin’ dickbasket.