Jeremy: Before “alterna-rock” completely lost all relevance, there used to be these guys called “The Dave Mathews Band”. Maybe you’ve heard of them. One of the best — suposedly — aspects of the Dave Mathews band was their incredibly talented drummer, Carter Beauford.

I’ll give credit where credit is due: he’s an incredible drummer. But go ahead and dig out Crash (we KNOW you have it) and listen to nothing but the drums for a couple of tracks. Yeah. Hear that? That’s ol’ Carter, noodling when he doesn’t need to be, hitting the pedal on the high-hat for the heck of it, and syncopating for no real reason.

What does this have to do with football? Peyton Manning is a great quarterback, obviously. But just watch a game and focus on what he does pre-snap.

Peyton, Carter. Carter, Peyton.

The irony is that the Colts have just as much relevance today as the Dave Mathews band. And they probably have about the same chance of winning the Super Bowl.

Despite all this, take the Colts. They’re going up against a team coached by Herm Edwards. And while he plays “to win the game”, he coaches “to see if he can get beat by 7″.

Pick: Colts

Brian: Look, I know the Colts can’t stop the run. And I realize they’re playing the Chiefs and Larry Johnson. What YOU fail to realize is: That’s all the Chiefs have. The Colts are going to gang-bang the Chiefs and cram as many men as they can in the box. Trent Green and Eddie Kennison (who?) are going to have to outscore Manning and his posse of ultra-talented/painfully-boring receivers. No way this happens… BUT! Not to worry Manning won’t make it out of the second round. In fact, neither Manning will, and that’s rad.

Take the Colts, I say!

Pick: Colts

Jeremy: So the Seahawks have a home field advantage? And because of this, they’re giving two and a half to a clearly superior Cowboys team?

Yeah, I’m not really sure I get it either. But this game sucks and I really don’t care.

Pick: Cowboys

Brian: What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

To quote the ever so eloquent Tim Duncan, this line is “retarded”. The Seahawks went 9-7 in the ugliest division in football. The NFC West epitomizes mediocrity. Seattle lost 3 of its last 4 to close the season, including losses to “powerhouse” division rivals Arizona and San Fran. Not exactly the best way steamroll into the playoffs. Of their 9 wins they beat ONE playoff bound team, and that happened to be the Giants (more on them later).

This game has “YUCK” written all over it. No way the Cowboys lose. Take Bill Parcells and his D-Cup over a watermelon shaped Mike Holmgren.

Pick: Cowboys

Jeremy: Everyone and their mother is taking the points here, figuring there is no way the Eagles (or anyone else) is that much better than any other team in the NFC.

Well, they’re probably right. Still, I don’t really know. Did you see the Giants play this season? Good lord.

I know I’ll regret this one, but screw it. Take the Eagles.

Pick: Eagles

Brian: How’s that Manning trade working out for you NY? Does it feel good to know the Chargers got Rivers, Merriman and Kaeding (all 3 Pro Bowlers) for that Eli guy? Also, do you remember how San Diego ended up with LT? That’s right, through picks, they traded Mike Vick for Tomlinson AND Brees (I even think Tim Dwight was part of that deal).

Eli is worthless, Tom Coughlin is losing his job, Tiki’s saving himself for a talk show gig, Michael Strahan doesn’t floss his front teeth, Jeremy Shockey has a tattoo of the flag covering his entire arm and the dude playing wideout is named Plaxico. Things couldn’t be worse, could they? Yeah, I guess you could be Art Shell.

Jeff Garcia is the only gay man to ever marry a Playmate. That’s gotta count for something right? Oh yeah, he’s also from Hollister, so Adrienne makes me root for him.

Who really cares? No way either team makes it out of the second round. Whatever. Take the Eagles.

Pick: Eagles

Jeremy: There’s what, like 6 billion people on the earth, right? Figure half of those are girls. I wonder where Tom Brady would rank — amongst all those women — if we were to order them by how much Brian would want to have sex with them.

Now, I’m guessing Julia Roberts is first. Or maybe Adrienne. But I bet Tom Brady beats full on half of the world’s remaining female population.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Take the Pats.

Pick: Patriots

Brian: So I recently went to Puerto Vallarta for 4 days with the family. We stayed at an all inclusive resort, meaning I ate everything in sight. Seriously, I was ordering multiple appetizers, soup, salad and two entrees at dinner. I was a freaking pig. Not so surprisingly, I didn’t feel so hot upon getting home. I was running a fever and butt bursting every time I tried to eat something. This was some mean ass dead-rear; it was spicy and painful. Seriously, it felt like I was anally dispensing a bottle of Tapatio every 6 minutes. I couldn’t take two bites of food without having to dash for the toilet. On one such occasion I failed to make the required 10 steps from my couch to the pooper and crapped my shorts. It was miserable.

Congrats to the Jets for making it to the Playoffs. BUT, soft schedule + weak arm + no run game = Patriots blowout. Similar to my shorts, the J-E-T-S are gonna get dumped on.

I look forward to next week, when I tell you about the time my Grandma caught me masturbating.

Pick: Patriots