Anyone who knows me knows that I love Taco Bell. I see this as a staple of being an elite young American, much like owning an iPod or having an irrational love for some fucking horrendous French poet (neither of which I have, you might note). Loving Taco Bell is akin to loving The O.C. or Myspace; at one time you actually thought it was good, and sure, participating in the backlash might be fun for awhile, but the reality is it still is good. I mean, there are a lot of freakin’ people that love Taco Bell who make more money than you do, have more interesting opinions than you have, and who know more about most things than you do. (The validity of The O.C. and especially of Myspace deserve their own post, but the same sentiment applies) So go ahead and hate it. Go ahead and hate Christmas and puppies and laughing while you’re at it. No one cares.

Anyway, that’s not really the point. The point is I was, after driving 6 hours from Chico toward Redondo, sitting at a Taco Bell in the Fresno hinterland, and my tray mat thingee had these descriptions of what various Taco Bell items “say” about you. I’d imagine this is a bad take-off of those “year of the Cock” place mats you get at Chinese restaurants. At any rate, I’m known amongst those who know to be a large proponent of the Mexican Pizza. My corresponding “fortune”:

The Influential Mexican Pizza
A sign of persuasion and charisma, the MEXICAN PIZZA isn’t content with mediocrity, and always strives for perfection. Late night, the MEXICAN PIZZA hangs out with everyone, searching for late night happenings.

It’s like they’re reading my mind, man.

More aptly, however, is a description of my friend Paul. He’s known as the social coordinator around my circle. He’s probably one of those connector people Malcolm Gladwell described in The Tipping Point. Paul is also the only person I’ve ever met (or even heard of) who’s ordered the “beef and potato burrito”.

The Beef & Potato Burrito
A sign of benevolence. With it’s seasoned ground beef, golden potatoes and tangy red sauce, it really has a lot to offer. Late night, the BEEF & POTATO BURRITO continues it’s generous streak by making sure everyone has an exciting night.

Doesn’t it just make you warm and fuzzy inside? Unfortunately they don’t have an entry for pintos and cheese. If they did it would probably say something like “no one likes you much, do they?”