Now, I’ve mentioned this many times before, but I rarely talk about “personal” things on my blog. Color me wacky, but I just don’t think the Intarweb is the right place for that sort of thing. Besides, no one is really interested in my personal life. I mean, lurid descriptions of sex, drugs, and rock and rock aren’t nearly as exciting as, say, bitching about Republicans or providing humorous youtube links, right?

Didn’t think so.

Regardless, this story is too good not to share. Besides, it’s not like anyone reads this anyway. So, without further ado, I present to you:

A Brother [Up] In Arms
a play in one act by Jeremy Abramson

Dramatis Personae:
Jeremy, our hero
Paul, the drunkard
Sam, the peacemaker
Kat, the token girl
The Chorus of Drunk People Walking By
and introducing
Teddy, the belligerent brother

Scene: A sidewalk in the Hermosa Pier area around 2:00am

(After a fun — if uneventful — night of revelry, our merry band — Jeremy, Paul, Sam and Kat — retire to Mikes, to get a Philly cheese steak or 6. After devouring enough dead cow to feed a small African nation, they leave, looking for a cab.)

Paul: “What a lovely evening; fine mead, fine food and finer friends!”
Jeremy: “I say, that really was a lovely repast!”
Sam: “Hear hear! Ne’er have I supped on such fine meats and cheeses”
Jeremy: “I concur. Sam, my good man; whilst we dined, you mentioned an interesting opinion on the relegation of…”
Teddy [Drunk and interrupting]: “HEY! IS YOUR NAME JEREMY!?”
Jeremy: “Huh? Oh. Excuse me fine sir, but yes, my name is in fact Jeremy. Perhaps you’d like to join us in discourse. My bosom chum Sam was just about to expound on the relegation of…”
Teddy [Interrupting]: “LISTEN MAN, IF YOU EVER TALK TO MY SISTER AGAIN, I’LL KILL YOU”
Jeremy [Inner dialogue]: “Pardon me, kind sir, but I believe you must have me mistaken for another personage. Perhaps if you describe whom you are looking for we can help you in your quest”
Jeremy [Actually spoken]: “Wha? Huh?”
Teddy [Gaining steam]: “You know Anna, right?”
Jeremy [Inner dialogue]: “Of course! Anna! A finer maiden the world has never seen. Her eyes shine like the sun reflecting on Elysian lakes. Her skin, fresh as the morning’s dew”
Jeremy [Actually spoken]: “Yeah.”
Teddy: “IF YOU EVER EMBARRASS HER AGAIN, I’LL FINISH YOU”
Jeremy [Realizing what is going on]: “Whatever, dude. I haven’t spoken to her in six months”
Chorus of Drunk People Walking By: “What!? Six months?” [Laughing] “Yeah dude, ten years ago you did some shit and…”
Teddy [Interrupting]: “YOU SAW HER AT A BAR AND YOU EMBARRASSED HER AND IF YOU EVER DO IT AGAIN….”
Jeremy [Getting pissed]: “Listen bro, I haven’t talked to her in forever, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
Teddy [Flustered]: “Whatever. You don’t say anything”
Jeremy [Not sure what that means]: “Whatever bro. I don’t know what you’re talking about”
Paul, Sam, Kat [Stunned]: “Perhaps we should go”
Jeremy [Fists clenched]: “Yes. Perhaps we should go”
Chorus of Drunk People Walking By: “Ha! Who brings up shit like that? Six months? Hahahahah!”
Paul [Leaving]: “As I was saying…what a fine day’s adventure!”
Sam [Following Paul]: “And how! Now, if I may, I do believe Jeremy and I were about to converse on the relegation of….”

~~ fin ~~

Now, some might say it’s a little embarrassing to be called out in the middle of the street by a drunk dude about half your size. Sure. Some might also say it’s embarrassing to have done something so egregious as to make a brother defend his sister’s honor. Point granted. But I say the most embarrassing aspect of this whole altercation was that I actually called a guy “bro”. Twice.

Did I mention I’m almost thirty?