Most people, at some point in their life, will have a pseudo-philosophical conversation with their friends and wonder “hey, what the hell did we do before the Internet?” (Similar conversations are also common with respect to cell phones, Tivo and women’s suffrage). The answer to all of them is, of course, “who the fuck cares?”

But I guess that’s beside the point.

See, the point is that I want a huge brandy snifter. Like, a huge one. Cheesy piano-lounge singer style. Head-sized. You get the idea. So, naturally, where do you think I decided to look for one?

If you said “the Internets”, you’re a moron and should be stabbed in the neck with a pencil. Howver, if you said “the Internet”, you’d be right. I visited a bunch of retail websites. I checked eBay. I posted on message boards asking for links. I searched for “freakishly large brandy snifter”. In short, I did what one does when one is looking for something on the Internet. You know what happened?

The general consensus was, “check thrift stores”.

Wha? Excuse me? Thrift stores? You mean, like, leave the house? Actually drive to more than one place looking for the same thing? Um, who does that? I mean, that’s a nice, quaint idea, I guess. Sorta along the lines of pagers, VCRs and women’s suffrage.

So the real question here is not “what did we do before the Internet?” Oh no. The real question is more like “why don’t thrift stores have webpages?” Or maybe even “why the fuck should I have to leave my house to get a 6 gallon brandy snifter?”

Quasi-related note: Which is worse? a). Wanting to reply “I’m gonna put my weeeeed in there” when people ask me what the overbig brandy snifter is for or b). the fact that the aforementioned reference to Saturday Night Live dates me by about FIFTEEN years?