Since, as we saw, eHarmony.com thinks I’m unlovable, I decided to go a different route, and posted a personal ad on Craigslist. I was inspired by this advert, in the “Women for men” section. (That link will be dead in a week, but the ad is far too long to re-post here.)

I was impressed that someone could be so specific and picky about who they wanted to date and what they wanted in a relationship. So I got to thinking: what do I want out of a relationship? Then it hit me…:

Ice cream cake.

What I want, right now, is ice cream cake. And if that nutbar can post all that crap about what she wants from a potential mate, I should be able to too.

So I did. Here’s my personal ad:

Tall, dark, handsome guy looking for an icecream cake - 29

Here’s the thing…I’d like an ice cream cake. Not the whole thing, of course, but a nice sized slice.

Here’s where you come in: you’d bring me the ice cream cake. Now, I’m guessing most ice cream cake dispensing locales are closed now, so I’d settle for a sundae. Maybe some ice cream, some sprinkles, and chocolate sauce. Actually, I have some chocolate sauce. So just bring over some ice cream and some sprinkles. I prefer the rainbow kind, but if you wanna do the chocolate kind, that works too. Oh, I just remembered Magic Shell (you know, the stuff that hardens when it’s cold). So bring some Magic Shell too. It’s much better than plain Hershey’s syrup.

So, obviously, you can’t be lactose intolerant. As far as “what I’m looking for” in a woman, that’s really all there is, at this point.

As for me, I’m 6′4″, 205, athletic build, attractive, Hispanic, Jewish, and getting my Ph.D. Although none of that really matters, as far as eating ice cream is concerned.

At any rate, I hope to hear from you soon, and hopefully we’ll agree on a flavor!

So far, no responses, but it’s only been up for a couple of minutes. I assume I’ll be deluged with offers. I’ll keep you all posted.