If you don’t think I’m in line, right now, waiting for tickets to In the Land of Women, you really don’t know me.
Honestly. Bush is president, I lost my fantasy football league, the Kings didn’t trade anyone and The O.C. is no more. But I really think this movie can fix everything.
Now all they need to do is make Can’t Hardly Wait II: Still Waiting, and I’ll be set.
→ No CommentsTags: Blog
Most people, at some point in their life, will have a pseudo-philosophical conversation with their friends and wonder “hey, what the hell did we do before the Internet?” (Similar conversations are also common with respect to cell phones, Tivo and women’s suffrage). The answer to all of them is, of course, “who the fuck cares?”
But I guess that’s beside the point.
See, the point is that I want a huge brandy snifter. Like, a huge one. Cheesy piano-lounge singer style. Head-sized. You get the idea. So, naturally, where do you think I decided to look for one?
If you said “the Internets”, you’re a moron and should be stabbed in the neck with a pencil. Howver, if you said “the Internet”, you’d be right. I visited a bunch of retail websites. I checked eBay. I posted on message boards asking for links. I searched for “freakishly large brandy snifter”. In short, I did what one does when one is looking for something on the Internet. You know what happened?
The general consensus was, “check thrift stores”.
Wha? Excuse me? Thrift stores? You mean, like, leave the house? Actually drive to more than one place looking for the same thing? Um, who does that? I mean, that’s a nice, quaint idea, I guess. Sorta along the lines of pagers, VCRs and women’s suffrage.
So the real question here is not “what did we do before the Internet?” Oh no. The real question is more like “why don’t thrift stores have webpages?” Or maybe even “why the fuck should I have to leave my house to get a 6 gallon brandy snifter?”
Quasi-related note: Which is worse? a). Wanting to reply “I’m gonna put my weeeeed in there” when people ask me what the overbig brandy snifter is for or b). the fact that the aforementioned reference to Saturday Night Live dates me by about FIFTEEN years?
→ 1 CommentTags: Blog
I’ve never been such a big fan of two-line posts (unlike some people I know), but I wanted to share this this with the world:
I have the newest version of Adium installed on my Mac. For those of you out of the loop, Adium is easily the best IM program, um, ever. It has a built in spell-check feature, much like the new version of Firefox. At any rate, I noticed, a mere second ago, that Adium apparently approves of the word “schlepping”, but not the word “adium”.
Who knew my IM program speaks Yiddish?
Anyway, I’m back from Austin, and I’m sure we’ll wrap that up soon, including a GREAT video of “Gucci Nails” teammate Jeffy “dancing” — if that’s really what one would call it — to Prince.
Trust me, you do not want to miss that.
→ No CommentsTags: Blog
For those of you out of the proverbial loop, I’m in lovely (read: freezing) Austin, Texas right now. The ostensible reason for the trip was to try out of VH1’s World Series of Pop Culture, but I also have a friend who lives here and I’d never been to Austin. Now that I think about it, I actually haven’t been to any part of Texas at all, unless you count the airports in Ft. Worth and Houston.
Things started out well, as I was on a plane to Phoenix with the UCLA softball team. Now, seeing this immediately made me re-think all my preconceived notions about lesbians, fatties and high school softball players. Talk about a major paradigm shift. Of course, as I was waiting to get on the plane to take me from Phoenix to Austin, the Northwestern softball team disembarked.
I immediately realized that the phrase “the exception that proves the rule” isn’t just something that old people say to annoy you when they have no idea what they’re talking about.
Softball teams aside, I made it to Texas safely. As I’m sure you know, they say everything is bigger in Texas. I guess we’ll see when the show actually airs, but from a cursory look around at the other people in our “audition”, it would seem to be the case. Apparently no one believes in exercise here. Or if they do, it somehow involves jogging to the bacon store or something. Or, perhaps, Los Angeles has screwed with my tub-o-meter. Either way, it was surprising — but wonderfully refreshing! — to see that Jeffy, Lacey and I were easily the most attractive people in the room.
(A word — no pun intended — on nomenclature: When I first told people I created a team and was going to try to be on the show, I used the normal term for that sort of thing: “try out”. As in, “Oh, I’m going to Austin. We’ve got a ‘try out’ for the World Series of Pop Culture”. It seemed to be an apropos term. I assumed some sort of meritocracy was in effect here. The more I thought — and read — about the process, the more I realized that probably wasn’t the case. Hence usage of the word “audition”. I guess in reality it’s a little of both, and obviously only the producers know for sure, but it still seemed more like an audition than a try out.)
So, with that process reaching its anticlimactic conclusion, it’s time to see what the lone star state has to offer. If nothing else, I’ve already gotten good mileage out of asking people, where, exactly, in Austin the “Sam Houston Institute of Technology” is located. So I have that, as the man says, going for me. Which is nice.
Hopefully we’ll have a lovely evening seeing downtown Austin, getting drunk, and wondering why we don’t give the whole damn state back to Mexico.
→ 2 CommentsTags: Television
You know how in Soap Operas, they often will kill off a character and then bring him/her back with a different actor? Occasionally they will offer a response — the horribly disfiguring car accident and subsequent reconstructive surgery is a common favorite — but just as often they will make no mention of it. One day, you wake up and Gabriel, the hunky-yet-wounded protagonist is magically four inches taller and a redhead.
Well, in case you haven’t guessed, this site has undergone a slight face-lift. No car accident needed. Hacking PHP and CSS is both surprisingly simple and not-so-surprisingly ungratifying. It strikes me as an accomplishment on par with, say, beating the computer at Solitaire. Except, I guess, without the falling cards animation. Regardless, the site now looks different.
I guess that’s a good thing.
And the whole Gallery aspect of things should be at least somewhat integrated, which actually is sorta cool. Except for the parts that don’t do what I want. But we’ll get to that later.
Anywho, enjoy.
→ No CommentsTags: Blog
…I broke my theme for Wordpress, so I’m using this one for now. I’ll probably switch to it permanently later, but I have to tweak some things first.
It’s really not that big of a deal.
Also, the Superbowl sucked. That is all.
→ No CommentsTags: Blog
Championship weekend was not kind to Brian and I. First off, we both took the collar, going 0-2 with picks. Secondly, the games meant we had to spend two weeks listening to stories about Peyton Manning and monkeys and backs and black coaches and Rex Grossman and all of that crap, when we could just as easily be talking about New Orleans, and chicks and boobs and plastic beads and Tom Brady and Brian having a homo Man-crush on him and Dynasties and whatnot. Y’know what I’m sayin’?
Brian, if my calculations are correct, is destined to finish the season under .500. I’m going to end up over .500, but not by much. At least I can pick games better than my wife. (Of course, unlike Bill Simmons, or Brian for that matter — hi Adrienne! — I don’t have a wife. But that’s neither here nor there.)
And for the last time this season: On to the picks!
| Bears at Colts (-7) |
| Jeremy: I hate this game. Honestly.
I don’t care about it, and I hate both the Quarterbacks. First off, I don’t think I need to say anything more about Peyton Manning. He’s probably the antichrist. The only nice thing you can say about him is at least he’s not as big a bitch as his brother Eli. But Rex Grossman is no champ either. Here’s a guy who barely beat out Brock Berlin at Florida. And as a fan of the U. (that’s the Miami Hurricanes, for those of you out of the loop) I obviously have a soft spot in my heart for Mister Berlin. And has anyone noticed that he looks strangely like CT from Real World Paris? Now, CT usually does well on those challenges, but I doubt that will translate to gridiron success for gool ol’ Rex. Whatever. I’m rambling. This game is stupid. Take the Pats. They’re not playing? Oh…I mean the Bears. Yeah, they’ll cover. Big surprise, eh? Pick: Bears |
| Brian: The Chicago Bears are BORING, they absolutely lack any real personality. I give you their “Big Names”:
Rex Grossman: The guy is abysmally inefficient, and incredibly dull. The nicest thing you can say about him is that he has a baby face. Is he the only college QB ever, to not get into parties because everyone kept asking, “Dude, who brought their twelve year old cousin?” Brian Urlacher: Actually has some on-field personality. The guy can smash, but do you honestly think anyone outside of Chicago actually owns an Urlacher jersey? Maybe Xzibit, but he’d also wear a Michelle Kwan jersey if they made one. Lovie Smith: This is the biggest story. He is the first (just edging out Tony Dungy) black coach to make the Superbowl. That’s the biggest story? A plate of cold scrambled eggs is as equally riveting. Does anyone care about the whole First-Black-Guy-To anymore? Black people have dominated football since they were allowed to play. Did the media think this would never happen? YOU are a racist for even bringing this up… yeah, you. Thankfully the Colts made it past the Pats, or else this would have been the most nameless Superbowl of all time. Imagine a Bears-Pats game. Now imagine your typical Superbowl audience… How many players’ names would be recognized? One. And that’s only because he shows up in USWeekly and Gap commercials. Indy should CRUISE this Sunday. Peyton Manning is arguably the best QB of our generation (strong emphasis on “arguably”) and Rex Grossman has been playing with two broken arms and a severe head cold; there’s no way he handles the pressure. Take Indy. Give the points. Bienvenidos a Miami. Pick: Colts |
→ No CommentsTags: Football · Picks · Sports
I’ve always loved math. I remember studying extra in 6th grade so I could take Algebra in 7th grade (normally “advanced” students take Algebra in 8th grade, with most people taking it in 9th).
My epic plan to out-Doogie Howser my peers was summarily foiled when somehow it was determined that my entire 7th grade “track” would be taking Algebra in the 7th grade. Why they decided to “track” us I don’t really know. I mean, wasn’t the whole point of “Junior High” that you finally got to rotate classes and not be stuck with the same 30 schmucks you’ve seen every day since you were 5? I guess the esteemed brain-trust at Chico Junior High School decided not to infect the general population with the craziness of us in the “GATE” — Gifted and Talented Education — track. So, lucky young lad that I was, I had 7th grade math, 7th grade English and 7th grade history with the same 30 [supposedly "smart"] kids. But I guess I’m digressing here.
I was so good at Algebra in the 7th grade, it was decided that I should take it again in the 8th grade. Rather than admit defeat, I figured I could just take Geometry in the 8th grade as well. I mean, I didn’t want to fall behind the entire class of people I was supposed to be ahead of, right? So, like your average 14 year old is wont to do, I took two math classes in the 8th grade. I also started running a BBS and didn’t have any friends, but those facts are mere logistical minutiae.
Having finally passed Algebra (and even Geometry), in ninth grade, the class moved on to Algebra 2 (and I promise we’re getting to a point here, not just recounting my mathematical history. Although that would be a worthwhile endeavour in its own right). Finally seeing my chance to get ahead, I decided — as we’ve established is the wont of your average 15 year old — to take Trigonometry. Over the summer. Why spend an entire year on a crucially important mathematical concept — and, you know, actually learn something — when you can take it at the community college in 9 weeks and not remember a single thing?
Having “passed” Trig, it was off to AP calculus in 10th grade. Finally I was ahead of my darned class! Of course, after a semester, I realized that I had exactly the limit as x approaches infinity of 1 over x chance (MATH JOKE!) of passing the AP test, so I decided to take [differential] calculus at Chico State spring semester. Given that I’d seen the concepts of first semester Calculus already I managed to pass (with a C+) and move on to second semester [integral] calculus the first semester of my sophomore year.
Which brings us to our “point”. I turned in my first assignment that semester, and the teacher wrote on it thusly: “if you have a disability, let me know, otherwise you’re going to have to integrate better than this”. Needless to say I failed the class. (In case you’re curious of the rest of my math history, it goes a little like this: I took a semester of math off, figuring I’d earned it, and then repeated integral calculus again the first semester of my senior year. I think I barely passed that. I took fourth semester calculus at the end of my senior year, but didn’t really pass that, and took it again my freshman year of college. For those of you scoring at home, I do believe that’s something like 5 out of my last 7 math classes I had to take twice. All in the name of “getting ahead”. I’m smart.)
Why bring any of this up now? No reason, actually. But regardless, the following is really funny: (click the thumbnail for full size)
Error (ERROR_CONFIGURATION_REQUIRED)
1
→ 3 CommentsTags: Blog
Remember how the NBA’s Washington Bullets changed their name to the Washington Wizards, back in the day? This was, of course, before they got those horrible gold uniforms that look like second-rate pajamas for the Purdue Boilermakers, but I digress. The point is, the Bullets changed their name as part of a program to try and rehabilitate Washington DC’s image. After all, is it really appropriate for the seat of our government — and the murder capitol of the world — to have its basketball team called the “Bullets”?
I think not.
Which is so weird that its hockey team is called the Washington Capitals.
CAPitals.
Yeah, I’ve been to D.C. What a rough-and-tumble place. Capitals? More like “CAP-IN-YO’-ASS”-itals.
::rimshot::
(Editor’s note: This post is courtesy of “Diane” in Washington. She e-mailed me, via the oft ignored contact page — most people prefer comments, as do I — and requested that I make mention of the Washington Capitals. She buttered me up with compliments — “I LOVE YOUR BLOG” I believe were her exact words — and being that I’m a sucker for anyone who massags my ego, who was I to turn her down? So, if this was all some cruel hoax, then I guess you got what you were looking for; a random reference to the Caps and a really bad joke. Otherwise, enjoy your 15 picoseconds of fame, Diane, and keep listening reading)
→ 2 CommentsTags: Blog
Now, I’ve mentioned this many times before, but I rarely talk about “personal” things on my blog. Color me wacky, but I just don’t think the Intarweb is the right place for that sort of thing. Besides, no one is really interested in my personal life. I mean, lurid descriptions of sex, drugs, and rock and rock aren’t nearly as exciting as, say, bitching about Republicans or providing humorous youtube links, right?
Didn’t think so.
Regardless, this story is too good not to share. Besides, it’s not like anyone reads this anyway. So, without further ado, I present to you:
A Brother [Up] In Arms
a play in one act by Jeremy Abramson
Dramatis Personae:
Jeremy, our hero
Paul, the drunkard
Sam, the peacemaker
Kat, the token girl
The Chorus of Drunk People Walking By
and introducing
Teddy, the belligerent brother
Scene: A sidewalk in the Hermosa Pier area around 2:00am
(After a fun — if uneventful — night of revelry, our merry band — Jeremy, Paul, Sam and Kat — retire to Mikes, to get a Philly cheese steak or 6. After devouring enough dead cow to feed a small African nation, they leave, looking for a cab.)
Paul: “What a lovely evening; fine mead, fine food and finer friends!”
Jeremy: “I say, that really was a lovely repast!”
Sam: “Hear hear! Ne’er have I supped on such fine meats and cheeses”
Jeremy: “I concur. Sam, my good man; whilst we dined, you mentioned an interesting opinion on the relegation of…”
Teddy [Drunk and interrupting]: “HEY! IS YOUR NAME JEREMY!?”
Jeremy: “Huh? Oh. Excuse me fine sir, but yes, my name is in fact Jeremy. Perhaps you’d like to join us in discourse. My bosom chum Sam was just about to expound on the relegation of…”
Teddy [Interrupting]: “LISTEN MAN, IF YOU EVER TALK TO MY SISTER AGAIN, I’LL KILL YOU”
Jeremy [Inner dialogue]: “Pardon me, kind sir, but I believe you must have me mistaken for another personage. Perhaps if you describe whom you are looking for we can help you in your quest”
Jeremy [Actually spoken]: “Wha? Huh?”
Teddy [Gaining steam]: “You know Anna, right?”
Jeremy [Inner dialogue]: “Of course! Anna! A finer maiden the world has never seen. Her eyes shine like the sun reflecting on Elysian lakes. Her skin, fresh as the morning’s dew”
Jeremy [Actually spoken]: “Yeah.”
Teddy: “IF YOU EVER EMBARRASS HER AGAIN, I’LL FINISH YOU”
Jeremy [Realizing what is going on]: “Whatever, dude. I haven’t spoken to her in six months”
Chorus of Drunk People Walking By: “What!? Six months?” [Laughing] “Yeah dude, ten years ago you did some shit and…”
Teddy [Interrupting]: “YOU SAW HER AT A BAR AND YOU EMBARRASSED HER AND IF YOU EVER DO IT AGAIN….”
Jeremy [Getting pissed]: “Listen bro, I haven’t talked to her in forever, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
Teddy [Flustered]: “Whatever. You don’t say anything”
Jeremy [Not sure what that means]: “Whatever bro. I don’t know what you’re talking about”
Paul, Sam, Kat [Stunned]: “Perhaps we should go”
Jeremy [Fists clenched]: “Yes. Perhaps we should go”
Chorus of Drunk People Walking By: “Ha! Who brings up shit like that? Six months? Hahahahah!”
Paul [Leaving]: “As I was saying…what a fine day’s adventure!”
Sam [Following Paul]: “And how! Now, if I may, I do believe Jeremy and I were about to converse on the relegation of….”
~~ fin ~~
Now, some might say it’s a little embarrassing to be called out in the middle of the street by a drunk dude about half your size. Sure. Some might also say it’s embarrassing to have done something so egregious as to make a brother defend his sister’s honor. Point granted. But I say the most embarrassing aspect of this whole altercation was that I actually called a guy “bro”. Twice.
Did I mention I’m almost thirty?
→ No CommentsTags: Blog
