Jeremy: Would you rather have sex with the worlds “best” porn star, or the hottest chick in the world?

What I mean by that is this: Let’s say the world’s best porn star has a lot of sex. Like, a lot. She’s the sexpert. She knows everything there is to know about sex, will do anything you want, and can perform in just about every way imaginable. She’s probably decent looking — or else her career wouldn’t have taken off — but that’s about it.

The hottest chick in the world is just that: Some girl you find insanely attractive. Which one would you rather have sex with?

Because that’s pretty much the Manning-Brady thing in a nutshell.

Except without the threat of hepatitis.

Take the Pats.

Pick: Patriots

Brian: Manning vs. Brady… blah-blah. Who cares? The Colts should be playing in San Diego, and I should be there. I hate Eric Parker.

Take the Pats.

Pick: Patriots

Jeremy: I never understood why people liked Chicago. And I don’t mean the team, I mean the city. Someone (maybe Richard Jeni, who you might remember from a stirring series of Tic-tac — or perhaps Certs, I’m not sure which — commercials) said that it’s like the people of Chicago looked at New York and said (and I’m paraphrasing here) “yeah, I like the traffic, the crime, the dirtiness of the city…but it’s just not cold enough!” Like, what are the main attractions of Chicago? It’s like New York without the charm. Oh, and in the middle of the fucking country.

It has, as they say, that going for it. Which is nice.

New Orleans has girls showing their boobs for plastic beads. I’m not sure what Richard Jeni had to say about that, but I’m guessing it’s better than deep-dish pizza.

Take the Saints.

Pick: Saints

Brian: The Bears CANNOT win this game. I hated the Ravens when they won it all with Dilfer and this would be worse. Rex Grossman is pathetic. I know, I know, everyone is betting on the Saints and this whole America’s Team thing. And that should make it obvious to stray the other way. But I can’t do it.

The Saints offense outscores the Bears defense. That’s enough to win… or at least cover. Take the Saints.

Pick: Saints

Jeremy: Remember the 2000 Portland Trailblazers? Rasheed Wallace, Steve Smith, Scottie Pippen, Damon Stoudamire, Arvydas Sabonis, Bonzi Wells, Jermaine O’Neal, Stacey Augmon, Detley Schrempf and Brian Grant. (Or, if you prefer the 1998-1999 version, sub in Walt Williams and Jim Jackson for Pippen and Schrempf)

Whew.

Yeah. They went freakin’ ten deep, all lottery picks or potential All-stars. Just a sick, sick squad.

That’s sort of like the Ravens defense. They’ve got so many “lottery” picks back there it’s not even funny.

It’s January. Time for Mister Manning to go home, and the Ravens D will help him out the door.

Pick: Ravens

Brian: Remember that show Change of Heart? Second best dating show of all time. It had every driving component of success: likeable host, jealous couples and people getting dumped on national TV. My all-time top four dating shows are as follows:

4. Elimidate: The skankiest of the lot. They basically promised an eight-ball to the prostitute not eliminated. Decent overall, great catfights.
3. Singled Out: This is the best MTV ever had; everything now is so contrived. I can’t watch NEXT without thinking I’m at a bad audition for Eurotrip 2. Also, Jenny McCarthy was HOT. She was so damn wacko that I couldn’t help but imagine what a firecracker she had to have been in bed.
2. Change of Heart: Yeah.
1. Blind Date: Roger Lodge is awesome, but not as awesome as those Pop-Ups.

Now, I realize last week I said neither Manning would make it though the second round of the playoffs. Well, I had a Change of Heart.

Bet the Colts to win outright.

Pick: Colts

Jeremy: Believe it or not, the Eagles actually have the talent to beat the Saints. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, amongst all the “feel good” stories down their in Nawlins, but them Saints can’t actually play defense.

But hey, the Saints have Reggie Bush. So they gotta win, right?

(He went to USC, didn’t he?)

Pick: Saints

Brian: Do you realize that Marques Colston isn’t even on the Rookie of the Year Ballot? Here are his stats along with the players that did make the ballot:

Reggie Bush: Had a decent year where he caught on as of late and had one MONSTER game. Maurice Jones-Drew: Had the best season for a rookie with 1,400 yds (run/catch), an absurd 5.7 per carry and 16 TDs (only half of the league leading LT, but good enough for third overall). Joseph Addai: Had 8 TDs (half as many as Jones-Drew). Devin Hester: An amazing Special Teams season with 6 TDs, 1100 yds. But no Special Teamer is going to win it. Vince Young: Finished the season with a paltry QB rating of 66.7 (30th in the league!! This means he was the third worst starter!!). Marques Colston: Had a VERY solid year with 70 catches, 1,038 yds and 8 TDs (T-10, receiving). I’m not saying he should win the award, but deserves to be in the conversation.

Take the Saints, give the points. Drew Brees gets nasty.

Pick: Saints

Jeremy: Remember the original Curt Warner? Like, with a “C”?

He was an old Seahawks running back.

I don’t really know what that has to do with anything, but I thought I’d mention it.

My friend Gabe is a Seahawks fan. He also can’t beat me at Tecmo. Are these two facts related? Probably not, but I just wanted to mention that too.

Take the ‘Hawks. Eight and a half points? Yes please.

Pick: Seahawks

Brian: (*Licking my chops*) I’ve been waiting for this game all year.

Here’s HOW Seattle will win… Hasselbeck throws no more than 2 picks. Shaun Alexander has a boring game with 90 yards on 32 carries, 1 TD and (most importantly) no fumbles. Jerramy Stevens has more catches than drops. And Seattle never kicks a returnable ball to Devin Hester.

Here’s WHY Chicago will lose… Rex Grossman.

Seriously, has there ever been a number one seed with a worse quarterback? Don’t be surprised when Grossman throws 3 first half picks and Griese throws 2 more in the second half.

Delusional Bears Fans everywhere will be distraught with unwarranted disappointment following their early playoff exit. This loss should be EXPECTED. Five AFC teams would have run the table with that CAKE schedule. Where was the hard part of the schedule, Arizona-BYE-49ers or perhaps Packers-Lions-Viking to open the season?

I hate fat greasy Bears Fans more than I hate purple t-shirts. Seattle wins outright.

Pick: Seahawks

Jeremy: Ugh.

Anyone who says they know anything about this game is lying. Remember a couple of years ago, before the last Pats Super Bowl win, when they were a pick ‘em agains the Colts and they ended up beating them by like 50?

There’s that sort of potential there. On BOTH sides.

The key, to me, is whether anyone on the Pats can cover Gates. I don’t really think anyone can.

But pick Rivers over Brady? Sorry. I can’t do it. And with a 5 point cushion, I gotta take the Pats. But I’m not happy about it.

Pick: Patriots

Brian: Scary bet. Don’t even think about touching this or the Saints game. You know it’s a stay-away-from-me pick, when you aren’t sure if you’d take the bet even if you switched the line. If you could have either team at +5 would you want to bet any significant amount of money either way? Didn’t think so.

I have NO idea. I am going to the game, so I’ll take the Bolts to cover.

Pick: Chargers

Jeremy: Before “alterna-rock” completely lost all relevance, there used to be these guys called “The Dave Mathews Band”. Maybe you’ve heard of them. One of the best — suposedly — aspects of the Dave Mathews band was their incredibly talented drummer, Carter Beauford.

I’ll give credit where credit is due: he’s an incredible drummer. But go ahead and dig out Crash (we KNOW you have it) and listen to nothing but the drums for a couple of tracks. Yeah. Hear that? That’s ol’ Carter, noodling when he doesn’t need to be, hitting the pedal on the high-hat for the heck of it, and syncopating for no real reason.

What does this have to do with football? Peyton Manning is a great quarterback, obviously. But just watch a game and focus on what he does pre-snap.

Peyton, Carter. Carter, Peyton.

The irony is that the Colts have just as much relevance today as the Dave Mathews band. And they probably have about the same chance of winning the Super Bowl.

Despite all this, take the Colts. They’re going up against a team coached by Herm Edwards. And while he plays “to win the game”, he coaches “to see if he can get beat by 7″.

Pick: Colts

Brian: Look, I know the Colts can’t stop the run. And I realize they’re playing the Chiefs and Larry Johnson. What YOU fail to realize is: That’s all the Chiefs have. The Colts are going to gang-bang the Chiefs and cram as many men as they can in the box. Trent Green and Eddie Kennison (who?) are going to have to outscore Manning and his posse of ultra-talented/painfully-boring receivers. No way this happens… BUT! Not to worry Manning won’t make it out of the second round. In fact, neither Manning will, and that’s rad.

Take the Colts, I say!

Pick: Colts

Jeremy: So the Seahawks have a home field advantage? And because of this, they’re giving two and a half to a clearly superior Cowboys team?

Yeah, I’m not really sure I get it either. But this game sucks and I really don’t care.

Pick: Cowboys

Brian: What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

To quote the ever so eloquent Tim Duncan, this line is “retarded”. The Seahawks went 9-7 in the ugliest division in football. The NFC West epitomizes mediocrity. Seattle lost 3 of its last 4 to close the season, including losses to “powerhouse” division rivals Arizona and San Fran. Not exactly the best way steamroll into the playoffs. Of their 9 wins they beat ONE playoff bound team, and that happened to be the Giants (more on them later).

This game has “YUCK” written all over it. No way the Cowboys lose. Take Bill Parcells and his D-Cup over a watermelon shaped Mike Holmgren.

Pick: Cowboys

Jeremy: Everyone and their mother is taking the points here, figuring there is no way the Eagles (or anyone else) is that much better than any other team in the NFC.

Well, they’re probably right. Still, I don’t really know. Did you see the Giants play this season? Good lord.

I know I’ll regret this one, but screw it. Take the Eagles.

Pick: Eagles

Brian: How’s that Manning trade working out for you NY? Does it feel good to know the Chargers got Rivers, Merriman and Kaeding (all 3 Pro Bowlers) for that Eli guy? Also, do you remember how San Diego ended up with LT? That’s right, through picks, they traded Mike Vick for Tomlinson AND Brees (I even think Tim Dwight was part of that deal).

Eli is worthless, Tom Coughlin is losing his job, Tiki’s saving himself for a talk show gig, Michael Strahan doesn’t floss his front teeth, Jeremy Shockey has a tattoo of the flag covering his entire arm and the dude playing wideout is named Plaxico. Things couldn’t be worse, could they? Yeah, I guess you could be Art Shell.

Jeff Garcia is the only gay man to ever marry a Playmate. That’s gotta count for something right? Oh yeah, he’s also from Hollister, so Adrienne makes me root for him.

Who really cares? No way either team makes it out of the second round. Whatever. Take the Eagles.

Pick: Eagles

Jeremy: There’s what, like 6 billion people on the earth, right? Figure half of those are girls. I wonder where Tom Brady would rank — amongst all those women — if we were to order them by how much Brian would want to have sex with them.

Now, I’m guessing Julia Roberts is first. Or maybe Adrienne. But I bet Tom Brady beats full on half of the world’s remaining female population.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Take the Pats.

Pick: Patriots

Brian: So I recently went to Puerto Vallarta for 4 days with the family. We stayed at an all inclusive resort, meaning I ate everything in sight. Seriously, I was ordering multiple appetizers, soup, salad and two entrees at dinner. I was a freaking pig. Not so surprisingly, I didn’t feel so hot upon getting home. I was running a fever and butt bursting every time I tried to eat something. This was some mean ass dead-rear; it was spicy and painful. Seriously, it felt like I was anally dispensing a bottle of Tapatio every 6 minutes. I couldn’t take two bites of food without having to dash for the toilet. On one such occasion I failed to make the required 10 steps from my couch to the pooper and crapped my shorts. It was miserable.

Congrats to the Jets for making it to the Playoffs. BUT, soft schedule + weak arm + no run game = Patriots blowout. Similar to my shorts, the J-E-T-S are gonna get dumped on.

I look forward to next week, when I tell you about the time my Grandma caught me masturbating.

Pick: Patriots

Jeremy: Remember when the Dolphins were Super Bowl sleepers? When was that again? Oh, right, in August. Then we all found out that Dante Culpepper was killed in the offseason, and nobody bothered to tell him.

Well, now they’ve got Joey Harrington, and they’re cruising. And by “cruising”, I mean they still stink.

They can’t even get even against the freakin’ Bills? Well fine, Mr. Vegas, you want us to give the points, we’ll give the fucking points.

Asshole.

Pick: Bills

Brian: Miami has looked good lately, minus their collapse in J-Ville. But they did just blank the Patriots last week. And I can’t seem to figure out this Losman guy. I also can’t seem to figure out this betting on football thing either.

On a semi-related topic, I just made my fantasy playoffs (I’m sure all 4 of you care). I need to note that I had by far the fewest points scored out of our 10-team league (of which four make the playoffs). Needless to say there are 6 people pissed and talking all kinds of trash, hard to blame them since the $2,000 pot gets divided by the top-4… ANYWAYS, my team is so worthless I actually picked up Sammy Morris AND Marty Booker and am starting them both this week. Seriously, I deserve a playoff spot like OJ deserves his freedom.

I’m rooting for two dolphins. Take ‘em.

Pick: Dolphins

Jeremy: So, Mr. Vegas was right about the Colts. I, apparently, was not, as the Colts didn’t exactly “win in a rout”. Not content with making us look stupid, Mr. Vegas gives us this line. And you know what? I don’t care.

I’m still taking the Colts. Why? Because there’s a part of me - granted it’s a very small part - that thinks Peyton Manning actually gives a shit about football and isn’t just counting down the moments until he can film another Sprint commercial.

And, if that’s the case, the Colts can cover the three and a half. So go with them.

Pick: Colts

Brian: What? Mr. Vegas did this last week and split, so who the hell knows?. The Colts are reeling and the Bengals are heating up at just the right time. Seriously, San Diego had better watch out for Cincy come playoff time.

This line is a joke. Anyone expecting a 96 point shootout like year is wrong. Mark my words, Rudi Johnson runs for something insane, like 345 yard and 6 TDs.

Take the Bengals.

Pick: Bengals

Jeremy: Nine points in the NFL is a lot, unless the team is absolutely horrible.

And I know what you’re thinking here: “Jeremy is going to say that the Chiefs are horrible”.

Well, you’re right. They ARE horrible. And they’re coached by Herm Edwards, which should honestly be it’s own Vegas line. Like, you should be able to tease lines up if the team has Herm on the sidelines. I don’t even know what I mean with that, but I bet Brian does. He’s weird like that.

Anyway, take the points. Nine points is a lot, and it’s raining in SoCal.

Pick: Chiefs

Brian: I’m going to Miami.

Chargers win, but not by 9.

Pick: Chiefs

Jeremy: I stuck it to Mr. Vegas last week, taking the Titans. And, apparently, all Vince Young does is win football games.

But still, it’s the Jags. They’re looking more and more like serious contenders. That Jones-Drew is easily the best hyphenated athlete since Jackie Joyner-Kersee. Which, now that I think about it, isn’t really saying much.

The point is, who the hell knows?

Oh, screw it. Take the Titans.

Pick: Titans

Brian: After reading my slate, Jeremy summed this game up, “oh, thanks for that Titans game. Like ANYONE knows what’s going on there.” True story.

I figured since I the other three road teams to cover and this one is mentally impossible, I’ll stick with my trend.

Give the points? (Yes, that is a question)

Pick: Jaguars

Jeremy: This is just one of those seasons, eh? I know you don’t care — because if you did, why would you be reading these picks — but do you have any idea how well favorites are doing against the spread?

Well it aint pretty. And I don’t mean that in a “I’m gonna say ‘gross’ but I’ve already jerked to it twice” Britney Spears vagina pics sort of way. I mean, it’s not pretty.

So I guess we have to take the Saints here. Besides, I’m starting both Drew Brees and Devery Henderson and I NEED a W.

Pick: Saints

Brian: Tony Romo can’t be this good, right? Was the guy even drafted? Now you’re telling me this kid is going to take the Cowboys to the Superbowl and he’s sticking it in Jessica Simpson? It sounds like he’ll be having tea with Hitler in the afterlife.

I’m counting on the Saints playing the Chargers in Miami; they need this game to do that. Take the Saints and the points.

Pick: Saints

Jeremy: People have flipped on the Broncos faster than they’ve flipped on Britney Spears’ vagina.

Okay, that doesn’t even make sense.

The point is, this team was 6-1 at one point! People were considering them a real Super Bowl contender. And now they don’t deserve 7 points against the Chargers?

Well, no, sorry. They don’t. Also, I picked up Shawne Merriman a week before his suspension ended because I am a good fantasy football GM. At least that’s what I tell myself before I cry myself to sleep every night.

Pick: Chargers

Brian: So you bench Plummer and… you get the same result. You still have a stagnant offense and a decent defense. After being demoted to “placekick holder” I don’t see The Snake bouncing back as a Bronco.

Cutler’s scared of Merriman; he’s gonna spend Sunday running away from him like he was Michael Richards getting dropped off anywhere on MLK.

Take the Bolts.

Pick: Chargers

Jeremy: Speaking of short memories: Your 2006 Colts! They’ve gone from possible undefeated juggernaut to only giving 1.5 against the Jags?

You know, they say that Vegas knows. It’s true. That fat fuck Len Pasquarelli doesn’t know. Chris Mortensen doesn’t know. John Clayton…well, he knows, but he’s not going to tell anyone because he’s bitter about having to go to his prom with his sister.

But Vegas…Vegas knows. But you know what? Screw Vegas. Colts in a rout.

Pick: Colts

Brian: Heads take the Jags, tails take the Colts. Ready… HEADS!! Seriously that’s how this season is going.

Pick: Jaguars

Jeremy: Sticking with my “screw you Vegas, I’m taking the low-hanging fruit” theme of this week’s picks, I gotta take the Titans. I mean, have you SEEN the Texans this year?

Oh…um…no? Wow. Well, honestly, me neither. Then why am I taking the Titans?

That’s a very good question. Go ask John Clayton.

Pick: Titans

Brian:Don’t you see what’s going on here? Vegas is FORCING you to take the Titans. I know what you’re thinking, “where can a brotha get some shrimp right about now?” Well, it’s not time to eat, I need you to use your brain right here!!!

Take the Texans. Mister Vegas knows something you don’t.

Pick: Texans